We are in a place of polarity in society and some of these divisions stretch into our communities as well as within ourselves. It seems everywhere we see growing tension, fear, and disillusionment. Many of us are grasping for some sense of certainty, stability, comfort and hope. We are often looking for this sense of safety or stillness outside of ourselves. And when we don’t find it there, we try to control anything (and everything) we feel like we can in our environments or we simply avoid doing anything at all.
In childhood we are taught to look to authority figures for safety and for children it is age appropriate to do so. They can seek comfort and guidance in caregivers and other trusted adults like teachers or coaches. But for many of us we struggled to find this sense of safety in the world as children. Sometimes this was because of trauma and sometimes because of the circumstances of our young lives. As a result we continue to look predominately for safety outside of ourselves as adults; either in people or in structures.
The people we look towards are often our romantic partners, trusted friends, family members or authority figures such as bosses, funders, politicians or even religious figures. The structures beyond relationships we look towards are whatever gives us a sense of stability. This can be anything from our job, owning a house, having adequate savings, maintaining routines, our beliefs and values or even a trust in the dependability of the government. It is important to depend on some things outside of ourselves, but what happens when the outside structures shake or are in a state of change? What do you use as an anchor then?
This is our opportunity to build more of our own internal stability. When these outside structures shake we have to create the sense of safety we need, at least in part, on our own. If we are successful then we can find more stillness inside of ourselves and are able to be curious about what actions actually need to be taken. Unfortunately, because we are taught more to depend on outside forces than we are to depend on a strength from within, we tend to get trapped in a victimhood mindset in response to what happens to us.
Whether viscerally or only mentally experienced, feeling like a victim creates helplessness and hopelessness that cause our brains to move into survival mode. Survival mode is contagious to the nervous systems and brains around us. However, when we create stillness inside of ourselves we create something that we can depend on that allows us to reclaim our personal authority and invites others to do the same. In claiming our authority, we develop agency. We can take action towards repair with ourselves, with others and even with the environment instead of reacting primarily from survival mode.
We are taught throughout our lives to depend on others. We are not taught how to be interdependent. We have to intentionally choose to learn to care for ourselves while we simultaneously care for others. It’s vulnerable. We don’t have control over the results. We only have control over how we choose to participate with ourselves and others. If we abandon ourselves, we will be abandoned! If we abandon others, we are left to reconcile with ourselves. How do we bridge from the pains of abandonment to interdependence?
Repair starts with our relationship with ourselves, and continues in vulnerable acts with others. Building trust is in the little actions. It is in finding some stillness through a pause in survival mode, and moving from there in small steps. The real work of building trust is skipped over in grandiose actions or pledges that are too big for you to follow through on or that just keep you distracted with business. For example: maybe trusting yourself starts with a promise to return to yourself every time you abandon yourself in an emotional moment instead of declaring you’ll never abandon yourself ever again. We won’t be able to snap our fingers and stop abandoning ourselves, so demanding “no self-abandonment” will actually reinforce mistrust in ourselves because we will fail. In contrast, when we learn to commit to building trust with ourselves in committing to the repair when we do leave, we simultaneously create a pathway to build trust with others in similar little steps towards repair.
Okay, let’s get tangible. We know the world around us is shaking. Systems and people we once thought we could depend on are not as dependable…so what do we do to anchor ourselves?
Let’s start really small with little actions that anchor us back to ourselves. Pay attention to our bodies as guides for pace and what we need. Ground in the moment with focus on sensations. Use curiosity. Find the tool that is right for the moment. Keep it really simple.
Some ideas…
Habit stacking: stack a habit with something you already do. When you brush your teeth in the morning and the evening, do a body scan right after, notice where you are in your body and where you can be in your body a little more.
Set alarms throughout the day or carry a rock in your pocket to remind you to pause and turn your attention towards yourself and ask your body and heart “how here am I?“
Get in your body through noticing your sensations versus thinking about your body. Stay out of story but inside sensations.
Schedule a time to intentionally repair with yourself or another person.
Maybe you have been building tools and know how to return to stillness inside yourself, then what? Share it. Our nervous systems respond to one another. Just as fear is contagious, so is your stillness and hope.
If you want support with more tools or to expand on how to use these or other ideas in new ways…reach out! Sometimes it’s just about finding the right tool for the moment. I would love to help!