This is the time of year when our bodies remember ALL holidays past, whether we want them to or not. We relive the moments of belonging and the moments of abandonment; both within the families we were born into and the families we have created. The memories live in our cells. Good, bad or in between. This can feel like you are being hijacked by feelings from years ago.
What buoys you through this period of re-feeling and how are you supporting your body? How are you prioritizing care for your nervous system and learning to provide care for your family nervous system (*acknowledging that the group we call family comes in lots of forms and constellations beyond blood relatives)?
You may be asking…what does it mean to tend to the family nervous system?
In my work with families, I talk a lot about the “family nervous system”. This is a concept I started using after working with families that were facing significant trauma, but it quickly evolved to an approach with all families because our nervous systems influence one another even when trauma is not present. The simple fact is that we are all wired with a nervous system that activates (sometimes called the lizard brain or survival mode) when we feel a real or perceived threat. The tricky part is that, unlike animals, our nervous system can perceive a threat from feelings arising from within us in the moment, about the future or even from a past experience, like a holiday. These past feelings of sadness, anger or fear for example, turns up the volume of our nervous system, activating big emotions and big responses, whether we react or withdraw our nervous system response alerts the nervous systems of everyone around us. Our partners, kids and other loved ones get the stealth message that they need to be on guard too. It’s a little like crying wolf because as one person’s volume turns up, the volume of the whole family turns up, activating the whole family nervous system for a threat that doesn’t actually exist but makes everyone a little more scratchy towards each other.
For the sake of simplicity, I am going to talk about a conventional nuclear family - two parents and 2 children, but please apply this to the unique constellation of your family or chosen family. Although we are especially influenced by those groups we invest trust in, we influence one another’s nervous systems in any group we take part in. Yes, this even means at work or school,even if you don’t like the people in the group. We all still function like herd animals when a threat (or perceived threat) arises. Our nervous systems have their own secret language to tell one another about the danger, unfortunately because of the complexity of our minds and undigested feelings, our responses are often not as adaptive as a herd of zebras escaping from hungry lions unscathed.
So when the volume of our nervous system turns up, we naturally turn up the volume of those around us. As a result, the volume is up in the whole family. What does this mean? It means couples will be quicker to fight, especially over the long standing arguments every couple has. It means kids will act out what is happening in the collective nervous system. Everyone leans on the pattern they have adapted to in the family, so kids that hit, start hitting. Kids that manage and keep everything calm, start managing and calming everyone. Teenagers will double down on their defiance in whatever way it looks like for them. Parents are stripped of their resources to navigate any of these behaviors in the adaptive ways, not because they don’t know how to but because they no longer have emotional access to the tools they have at a lower volume. High volume requires tools that are simple, foundational or novel.
My first suggestion is to give everyone A PAUSE, a time out. No amount of teaching, disciplining or calming your kids will work when everyone is playing heavy metal music inside their brains, especially if you are trying to pretend it’s playing meditative music. In the pause, acknowledge what is happening. It could be as simple as saying, “let’s take a beat, we are all getting scratchy.” It is important to mention that this is not always about calming. Sometimes it is about meeting the energy where it is at. Maybe you actually need to play heavy metal music on the speaker, especially if you hate it, and have everyone have a dance break right at that moment. This is especially good because this type of pause also moves the feelings that were raising the volume.
After a pause, start GETTING CURIOUS and NOTICE what is happening. It becomes about calling in, and to know what to call in, you first have to look for whatever is being avoided or pushed out. This is where you try to find where there are blindspots. A family nervous system is only as graceful as all of its parts combined. I find kids to be the best barometer in these situations because they respond to the emotional soup they are immersed in viscerally and without thinking, and are therefore really good at showing us what is in a blindspot for th family. Maybe you were the kid that masterfully revealed the anger, grief or anxiety in the room by acting it out or maybe you have the kid that does this. Typically what is avoided is a feeling, a fear or sometimes the individual who is embodying the feeling or fear the family doesn’t want to see or face.
Whether you have discovered the root of the actived family nervous system, the blindspot or what exactly is being avoided is less important than finding a notion or a whiff to follow. The edges of blindspots are blurry and still hard to see, so this is where you can LEAN IN versus leaning out and start PRACTICING BEING IN A NEW WAY even without clarity. This can be uncomfortable at first. Our state of being is the state of our nervous system. We can do things differently, but our nervous system depends on the quality behind the doing - we do. It is not always what is said or done, it is more what is felt or it has a resonance of truth that can actually be felt, even trusted. It is in essence learning to walk your talk.
We have all been through a lot. This is not meant to be another way to attack yourself for not having an agile nervous system or not walking your talk. This is about practicing, not perfection. This is about stretching and staying gentle with yourself. Don’t let guilt drive your decisions, guilt is naughty because it is like a tripwire to activate the nervous system, especially if it’s been passed down over generations. It’s about practicing something new, which may be following what is uncomfortable versus what is comfortable. Or maybe it's about slowing down versus reacting and looking for points of connection versus disconnection before, during and after conflict. Each time we slow down, get curious, pay attention, and lean in into novelty, we offer our family nervous system new grace by each practicing being in a new way. This builds and strengthens new neural pathways, changing our brains. This allows more mobility between familial roles, giving each member more options to respond in a variety of ways, as opposed to only maintaining a set role. This gives the whole family the agility and grace to find their way through anything.
Getting a bit more concrete:
For adults with family visiting or visiting family: it’s usually after about 72 hours with your family of origin that old childhood patterns resurface. In other words: we all become children and start becoming the role we played in our family of origin as opposed to being the adult we have become. We no longer can as effectively use all the tools we have developed in life and embody our new adult patterns of living, partnering or even parenting as easily.This activates your nervous system. My (playful but honest) advice…plan a trip for 71 hours until you have lots of nervous system practice and can giggle at yourself.
If a short trip is not possible, no worries, here are a few things to help.1) take lots of pauses: bathroom breaks, long walks by yourself, anything that gives you a break from the expectations of your childhood role, so you can disrupt it and be with your adult self. 2) be gentle with yourself and be as playful as possible. Even if you aren’t the playful type, find a way towards laughter 3) ground in nature - even if it is putting your hands in the dirt of a house plant, but better if you can touch a tree, put your feet in dirt or walk on the beach. 4) this may seem taboo, but orgasms help too. If this is too far of a leap for you, try anything that invites pleasure for your senses.
For parents and their children: Take space for you. Practice pausing, curiosity, connection and a novel approach. Being is visceral. Kids speak body more than adults. If the way you are being doesn’t match your words, they can’t as easily hear you or learn from you. Find new ways to connect and stretch. Teach less and “be” your lessons. Play with doing something radically different in the way you usually discipline or connect, creating a disruption, and observe how your kids respond. If you surprised them, you are on the right track. When you are “being” different, they will “be” different…then you can decide if you like the change or not, and the practice is still worth it because it grows new pathways in everyone's brains and therefore encourages resilience for each member and the family nervous system as a whole.